Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
