When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
