I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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