Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The adults are the big ones right?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
