Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
