my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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