This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
