my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize