i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
