He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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