the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know her cup size but not her name....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
