I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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