Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
