I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont even know how to be here
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
