thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
