i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
