mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
