if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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