I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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