he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
