You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
