omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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