my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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