I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
