I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
