did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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