I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I look better un-naked...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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