on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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