Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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