this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
