Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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