walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So many bounce houses so little time
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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