I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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