a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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