All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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