Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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