you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
