I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
