Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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