Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
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Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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