I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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