I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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