420 ftw
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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