If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
