If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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