Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
