went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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