Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
