and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
