Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
