dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
