I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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